Vulgar Food

cheezy chili stix dog “I can’t wait to go home and...

Mon, 12 Sep 2011 11:30:06 -0400

“I can’t wait to go home and eat this day away.”

roasted garlic and tomato bruschetta “I think I have...

Sun, 11 Sep 2011 11:30:05 -0400

“I think I have everything set here, there’s really no need for you to help. Of course I don’t think you’re unable to help — I know it wouldn’t kill me, I just — okay, fine! Here — sprinkle the tops of the bruschetta with the Parmesan. This IS the Parmesan — what do you mean ‘where’s the green bottle?’ Can you just…sprinkle, please. What are you doing? I’m sorry, but that is not sprinkling — um, THAT looks like dumping. Come on, you said you wanted to help! SPRINKLE THE CHEESE. SPRINKLE, like, gently place six or seven shavings onto each slice. What?”

unfussy s’mores brownies “Hey, hon. No, no,...

Sat, 10 Sep 2011 11:31:06 -0400

unfussy s’mores brownies

“Hey, hon. No, no, nothing’s wrong, it’s just… I talked to Timmy this afternoon about our plans for his 4th birthday and his reaction wasn’t exactly what we expected. Um, I believe his exact words were: “Camping is for poor people.” Totally serious, babe, and then get this — he hands me this two-page list of demands that span from a 12-course egg and dairy-free meal to an Algonquin Round Table Experience. Yeah — I know, our kid’s kind of a dick. I’m not super surprised, though… I mean, I feel like we were asking for it when we brought him home from the hospital in a 3-piece suit onesie.”

peanut butter and jelly ice cream “Wait, on your profile...

Fri, 09 Sep 2011 11:30:05 -0400

peanut butter and jelly ice cream

“Wait, on your profile YOU SAID you love Peanut Butter and Jelly sandwiches! Why are you being weird about this? Hey! Sit down! I make ice cream for a living, okay? It’s not like I stayed up all night trying to get the perfect ratio of peanut butter to jelly or something. Oh fine, leave! Coward. I didn’t know there was a law against being fucking thoughtful. Oh, I’M a freak? If I was such a freak, I would have made you fucking DOG ice cream because you also said you can’t live without DOGS. Think about that the next time you break an ice cream genius’ heart!”

hickory barbeque meatball sandwiches “Officer? Offic...

Thu, 08 Sep 2011 11:32:05 -0400

hickory barbeque meatball sandwiches

“Officer? Offic — hi. Listen I really think I’m okay now. Really! Please don’t walk away, I — officer! I think my blood sugar was just low or something, I’m not mad at Mr. Ross anymore. Honestly, I don’t even care… I know, I know it definitely seemed like I cared earlier when I was biting Mr. Ross’ kneecap — is he okay, by the way? — I just… I’ve been having kind of a hard time. My wife left me about three months ago, and the meat in the sandwich Mr.Ross… fucking… stole from my…goddamn fucking corner of the office refrigerator was the last of the meatloaf she had left in the oven before she TOOK A SHIT ON OUR LIFE TOGETHER AND RAN THE FUCK OUT. No, no, I’m FINE, I’m GREAT. I TRUST EVERYONE. Can you tell Mr. Ross that? Can you tell him I’m fine now and how much I don’t hope he bleeds out from his thieving fucking leg? Don’t shut the—”

mini chocolate lava cakes “Dear Diary,Have you ever felt...

Wed, 07 Sep 2011 11:35:06 -0400

mini chocolate lava cakes

“Dear Diary,
Have you ever felt the need to create something beautiful just so you could watch it die?”

chocolate chip cookies “The thing is, Dr. Fenton, I really...

Tue, 06 Sep 2011 11:36:06 -0400

chocolate chip cookies

“The thing is, Dr. Fenton, I really think that recipe companies — or whatever — are out to get me. I mean, I just want one cookie you know, and like, I don’t want to go to a crowded fucking grocery store for something I can make at home! But, all these recipes, they’re for 12 or 24 or 48 cookies, and I just do not need that many cookies. All I need is one cookie, one cookie for me only.”

creamy chocolate fudgsicles “Jesus Christ, Todd! You said...

Mon, 05 Sep 2011 11:35:05 -0400

creamy chocolate fudgsicles

“Jesus Christ, Todd! You said you were going to warn me! You can be so immature sometimes — ‘stop making such a big deal?’ Seriously? Oh, fuck you, this is so not ‘better’ than when I got Sriracha in my eye.”

‘Juicy Lucy’ burger “Lisa. It is stated in the...

Sun, 04 Sep 2011 13:15:05 -0400

‘Juicy Lucy’ burger

“Lisa. It is stated in the contract you signed when you began working here that the e-mail address we assigned to you is to be used for work-related purposes ONLY, and that the contents of your in/outbox are subject to review at any time.No — not the inbox on your body, the one on your — what is the matter with you? Please, just — get out — no, don’t take off — okay. Carol? Call Cheetahs. Tell them we’re bowing out of the Stripper Outreach Program.

cinnamon rolls with maple-coffee icing “Thank you so much...

Sat, 03 Sep 2011 11:30:00 -0400

cinnamon rolls with maple-coffee icing

“Thank you so much for inviting me and Bob to your party, Alice! It’s great to have a night off from the kids for once. I think the last time I was in a roomful of adults was 2003! Sorry, this tray is kind of heavy, is there a place I can put it? Next to… which bowl? The one with the chips, or the one with the… keys?”

grilled beer and cheese sandwich “What am I? I mean, I’m a...

Fri, 02 Sep 2011 22:55:11 -0400

grilled beer and cheese sandwich

“What am I? I mean, I’m a sandwich. Sharp cheddar-Fontina. I’m not being difficult, I just think it’s rude to ask someone what they are like it really matters. We all end up in the same place in the end. Excuse me? Um, beer bread. Alright, this conversation is over, asshole. Just because I’m part beer doesn’t give you the right to put your hands on me without asking, okay? Seriously. Back.The fuck. Off.”

feta, pesto and onion pizza “Oh God, no, no, no, no not tonight....

Fri, 02 Sep 2011 22:53:45 -0400

feta, pesto and onion pizza

“Oh God, no, no, no, no not tonight. Not on my wedding night, please. What was I THINKING? That I would not be lactose-intolerant? That my stomach would all of a sudden be able to process garlic SILENTLY? Please, Body, please not tonight. Not in this dress. I’m a good person, PLEASE! Is this because I didn’t invite Josh’s goth sister to be a part of the wedding party? Did she curse me? She did. That 17-year old witch cursed me. She definitely — oh… fuck. Fuck. Fuck everything.”

parmesan roasted potatoes “I’m serious, bro, girls go NUTS over...

Fri, 02 Sep 2011 22:52:25 -0400

parmesan roasted potatoes

“I’m serious, bro, girls go NUTS over this shit. They’re not JUST roasted potatoes, are you kidding? These potatoes, man, these potatoes are fucking complex — and, not just in carbs, bro, in FLAVORS. What do you mean you don’t have paprika? You some kind of virgin or something? When I said ‘girls go nuts’ over these potatoes, I didn’t mean girls go crazy over these potatoes — I MEANT, girls will literally put your balls in their mouth for these potatoes.”

fruit roll-up “Yeah, I’m a fruit roll-up —...

Fri, 02 Sep 2011 22:50:21 -0400

fruit roll-up

“Yeah, I’m a fruit roll-up — what the fuck of it? You think just cause I remind you of second grade I won’t kick your fucking ass for looking at me sideways? Wrong. I got raspberry blood in me, bitch! I hope you like seeds in your teeth, cause if you come at me you ain’t never gonna be the same.”